You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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