Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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