i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
