I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
