um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
