im six kinds of drunk right now
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
