you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
operation have a gay friend backfired
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
