I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
