when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
