obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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