Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
