maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
