i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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