Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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