I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
