Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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