I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
