Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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