i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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