I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize