I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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