just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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