he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
