He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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