I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
