I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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