I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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