no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
