names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Randomize
