Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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