He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
