i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
