Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize