my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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