I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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