I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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