all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
