Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
