i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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