I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
