I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
