I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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