Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
