my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
