I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
