you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Randomize
