hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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