Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
