Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
