Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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