Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
