I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
