i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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