Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
my poor anus
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
