just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
