whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
