Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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