just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize