My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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