I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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