1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
