But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
