What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
